messenger in lost and found

So how does one get found again,how do my hands become his vessles again? I have been looking,searching,but also hiding in shame,even adam and eve hid thier nakedness,and God came looking for them.I hate to admit it but I have many times been the lost lamb,and I force my father to come searching for me,as I am hiding in shame.today I had a realization.I have been trying so hard to get out of this endless sin and finnaly be married,but today I realized how? its not about a ring ,or a ceromony, what about the oath to the Lord, how can marsh commit to me under God,not knowing him. I keep telling him to pray for a job,just to try it. but he won't .how do you lead a rabid animal to water who belives it is the thing that will kill them. what evil am I up against.what is so strong to compell him to run the other way...he is so thrsty.so I want to pray for work and healing for him....but I keep getting this feeling that jesus is the only one that can get to him...and that I just have to give him to God...how lost will he have to get to be found?I just want to shout" I need my lord" I need a man that will lead my family,humble himself in the truth. I need a man who will stand by me ,even in church,even with these christians he doesnt understand.how do I get through,I dont want to scaire him away from the light.I just want him to feel the warmth on his face,and see it in mine.Lord find us.dig through the lost and found,dust me off Jesus,I am still good...use these hands for healing as you promices,bring me back to propesizing lord.we are jewels in the gutters lord,help give me a wise heart,send me a mentor to lead me upward.