empty easter

this easter was empty,my son was sick, the town hunt was borring, neither of my kids even wanted to finnish egg huntting here at home,but most of all there was no jesus.How can people have easter with no jesus. I normally fill up on jesus, we read the story and use the reserection eggs, wego to church and i give the kids bibles and christian books, but i couldnt afford them this year,and we dont have a church, and not all who live here belive.I am held captive by that. the empty egg is suppose to represent jesus risen,but instead easter was empty of him. I am lonely here, havent been happy since we moved....dont get me wrong the kids are awsome, me and marsh are doing well, he's even warmed up about God a bit.....but the emptyness is over our life,the cross is but a shadow in my past,it doesnt cling to me ,when I try to hold it it isnt within my grasp.this last week my friend julie visited,I could speak about christ with her, she has risen up with the Lord and overcome so much since I met her. she wasnt close like that when I met her, I tryed to inspire her, and now I see her growth,she is fruit.....but so little I have bore lately. I feel forsaken here,like the whole town shoves emptiness in me,the calm is in my house alone.Where are you Lord when I call out to you,bring me out of this empty loneliness, fill my family again, have us live on the bread of your word.......fill this shell of a creature I have become ...again...

changing waters

This is the image that frames my day on my computer right now,the serenity I seek.I have been trying to learn to glide through this storm i have been in, I have been trying too hard to keep my head above water,and have a strong need now of submerging. a new baptism for my soal who has strayed so far from my God given purpose. I have let my anger and emptyness get the best of me lately,but as I fall onto a new year,a new age I would like to smooth the gap between me and my God given work,I would like to bond my family, and change our worldly ways. I keep going back and looking at this picture of seriene contentment. you see under the see the waves of lifes storms arent so bad, it is a rising and a falling, no termoil, no crash,the amazingly adapt seal who God formed in all its wonder,cruses these eb and flow without worry . he does what God intended for him,he moves how he was desinged,he does not eat like an orca, he does not swim like a tuna, or fly like a gull. he is a seal, he is playful behond imagination,and fearful of not living his life to the fullest, he does not run from the waters his enemys live in, he accepts his fate. he is purely seal...thats it. so I am a child of God. I was given gifts to do his work, and I have been trying to be the orca and the gull. I need to be a fisher of men,but not overtake like a preditor or pick off the surfacers like a gull. I was chosen for hard cases, those on the verge of turning the wrong way....and so many times I have counted those who I have failed, I forget that if they belong to the lord and I am not doing my job he will surely replace me....he wont let them be lost. but what seal sees a fish, so jucy and ready, and swims up and rubs so close it can taste it, then gets scaired to open its mouth and do the real fishing.no seal does that, they would starve. I feel like i am starving.....I have kept my mouth closed and let even those I love most go without the truth in Jesus. Lord let me take my example from the seal,grab the fish,and live contently no matter my fate,grab the fish and bite down and dont let my enemy eat it.and then I will be joyous. the few I have taken the last bite with have been successful,they have many fish taken in themself.but in joy instead of anger I need to romance a few I love to the lord,show them how he made the seas and provides us the shelter of the kelp and the beach to take refuge on with him.His words need to be my bark as I surface,he needs to be the air bubbles from my nostrils as I submerge.