the garentee of change

I have always held a fastionation with old houses, places so run down they are no longer inhabitable.they have a history,but more then that they have held life.You can see life on them when the light passes over them, they have seen the most beautiful sun sets,they have seen the shadows of silver lined stormclouds.The wind has stripped them of thier bark like an old oak tree. yet they still have dignety.
Life is sure to always change,many people say that people dont change, but we do, our soal is a unique fingerprint. but we grow and learn and change. I have changed so i know this to be true.change is inevitable,it longs for us to ride with it , flow in and out with its tide,hurl our way down a mountain and go rushing as a river to the sea....everything always changes,it is a hoop in life, as any other cycle The Good Lord set up.
everyday i look out my window from where i sit in my living space, and i see an old house, it changes color as the light shines from behind it as the sun rises, til the time of day that it shines orange and red in the eavening light. it is my peace in this dessert, this house that cycles with the sun. It is lonely yet it keeps me company. and it reminds me of the beauty in change, I wouldnt want to give up a single monent in its changing colors, nor a single season.
And when I lok apon my family each day I see the seasons, the cycles,all the moments of thier lives, and i do not want to give up even the coldest harshest winter storm, or the hottest summer. the people i love will always be changing, as i change. but it is our commitment to love them through it all that eventualy makes us look at the beauty of them even in the most difficult situations. Afterall a star at a distance is beautiful, but if we look closer we may see a glorious super nova, which may be thier most painful and beautiful moment. The thing that matters is not that they were in pain,or that they changed, but that I was there to see the change, to welcome it, to see the beauty of someones heart and soal growing,that is the life in us, it is an exsplosion, it hurts sometimes, it is powerful, and yet a simple hoop in the eye of the lord.
That old house across from me has not been loved by someone in a long time,But God still paints it, and I still relish in its reflected light. so maybe it still has a life where it is worthy of still standing.still loved, not for what it once was, not for what it could be ,given some paint and nails,and alot of elbow greese. but instead for the Who it is right now.My daughter aydan is 2 and she always points to something and says " who is that" when she wants to know the name of an object. and oneday she looked over at the old house all orange and she said"the orange house makes me happy" and I got that she understood something deeper about life so i simply said" the orange house makes me happy too" How blessed am I to have an orange house , and a happy girl, in my sight.and how blessed i am to watch tristan and marsh changing too. and even get the occational view of my mother ageing.Her crown of wisdom shinning in the sun. so lets all learn to look for the little changes of light ,of life, in our loved ones. I will be there to see them.I have an all season pass. And thank you God for little lost houses, and the miricals they teach us.

different sides of me

There are times in a woman's life when it may seem she is 2 very different people. The woman who was branched of her childhood dreams and the person she has settled into being. That time for me is now. The 2 photos above represent my self in very real(not so crazy) split realitys. the first is the river Li in china, it is calming,the warm glow of paper lanterns, the stillness of the water,the reflection of all the color that has woven its way though my life. And in it lay the real me, the passionate woman dressed in flowing silks,The one with an exotic flower in my hair, the one you dont see in the photo, letting my feet dangle in the cool water,absolutely in love with life and everything it has to offer.

And then there is the sideways look at a cliff and castle in irland,rainy fog moving in to gray the view.longing to run at the cliff and not stop,how far could i run over the edge.(again not in a crazy way)there i am,fallen down in my abrupt running, looking at my home from a crooked angle.It is gray, and cold and stone, secure, safe,closed in ,longing.I am there off to the side, wearing sweatpants,too poor for a drink at the local pub.taken for granted, always forlorn.

So what does this comparison teach us, to let go of the dream ,or not to settle for less.I do not know if there is a way to merge the two.afterall i have let go of childhood dreams, havent I,or maybe they werent dreams, but something to hope for. but I have so much to loose if I go running at the clif,however ,so i hang on. but what i really want is a way to be myself,even under the ruff circomestances. so off to reinventing myself,the magical girls imagination and the well lived ones' way of taking the bad and turning it into a treasure.let me think awile on that

The idea of slowing

I have been serching for a change this last month, something that says I stand apart from where I am. something that will make me more content waiting for so long to be where i want to be in my life. I have felt much like the scean in my favorite movie"the Piano" when the piano gos down in the ocean and later she thinks of herself still tied to it....still in the depths,swaying with the water.She spent a lifetime in her own silence, till she met someone who she wanted to speak for, a man that made her want to live. much of my life i have been as cinderella, or anyother princess, waiting for someone to add color to my life, to bring out the beauty from within. and as I speak it is i in this small town ,which is silent twards me,that has finnaly let go of the rescuer idea. and have realized what i have known all along. that I am the color to be added to others. i have been reading Marlaina de blasi's books(1000 days in tuscany,1000 days in venice) and in her memwars she talks of things like i have always felt, she slows to become part of things,she actualy tastes her food, wraps herself up in the colors in life, and in doing so she changes people.And so I think of differnt women I have met like this. extrordinary women who change how you look at life. I want to be one of those.But then I must embrace the part of me that society these modern days rejects.The anchient part that has came through time wanting to wear flowing skirts and bake breads rich in aromatic rosemary.and here we embrace an idea......slowing down....an idea that alows us to flow with the waves, to play the piano, but to also keep our heads above water. what if we just enjoy the moment, then ejoy the next, then the next. what if we slow down and watch how the light creaps over things, iluminating this part then that part.what if we are like that light, and we learn to be patient and we illuminate the texture of a bright mango as it fills all our sences, what if we watch the trees move till thier branches pass the secret on to the next tree and so on.sometimes good things wash up on our beach and we keep and cherish these treasures, but shouldnt we also treasure the things that are ripped by thewave and washed away, knowing that theyare the treasure someone else recieves. just what if we concentrate on thatchance that if we let go of that speed and that selfish living, that maybe we can achieve being the light to others.whatwould it hurt to stay a few moments longer in line and actualy meet the person waiting with us.what might we see if we looked behond something wewant for our hord and chose instead something to give. what if we took a small amount and set it aside just to see what we could do.I phrase all these questions as statements, because thats how i want you to take them,the what if isnt a fantancy you cant reach, it is a fact that you can acomplish, but its got to be moment by moment, so you need the stops. what if i cound.(stop and alow it in,dont answer, just let it in, to begin, to become)slowly look at the possibilitys. as many of you know i live without a cell phone, i actualy have a phone attached to the wall, I am not old fashioned, i simply reply when people ask , that i do not always want to be found. when I go to the grocery store i want to smell the mellons and look for some new ingrediant to taste, I do not want to talk to you about what your kid did yesterday, it isnt that i dont want to know...it is instead this(let this blow your mind) that as the bible says there is a time for everything. and when its time for me to hear about your son, i will be attached to my wall, full attention on your voice. some people say it is for safty, the cell, well i read something on wasp spay for safty too, and i am sorry but i am not going to spend my precious number of days in fear carring a can of wasp spray. I am a mom, i do wory, my son gos out with a walky talkie, and so he can say " all is well" and I can say "get your butt home its dark" but as far as real safty I have My GOd and he is "bigger then the boogie man" as a tomato once said. and so I choose now, freedom, slowness,life,flavor,light patience, moments worth more then gold.....I sway with the currant and if I color anothers world then I smile and continue on my journey, my song of whales, slowly but surely I will cross seas . slowly i can already smell the sea