lost

when I close my eyes I see this, myself found in a new world, one full of things familiar, the salt air, the glass water,the sand they roll hot into glass orbs and float to distant countrys as treasure.as i close my eyes I can feel the strong winds,hear the gulls and pipers,and turns. By the ocean ,one thing is certain, you are always finding something.I have come to love sea glass,once the sand, then the art, then the art in the sand, it has lived out its cycle. but have I? I feel lost. am I to be like glass of the sea polished to a fine beauty from all that has pressed against me. refined By God, polished by Joy and hatred, and love and loss.will my lord pluck me out of the ocean happy with his find, or simply throw me back to be rolled around somemore.I remember the beauty of all I was, all I belived in as a child, and I so much want to belive that I have become more radient.yet what I feel deep within me at this subtle point in my life is the overwhelming since that I have become lost. I feel my yes is not a yes, and my no is not a no, I fear those things. I want to be sure of what i want and need. but I find my life has simply gone on without me, and i am still running my toes through the sand, stareing out onto the glass still sea, trying to remember what I stood for. I am longing for a change to blow in on he wind, to bring the sea spray over me, IT is like wanting closier, but instead wanting an opening up, a freedom. Lord bring me that joy.Let me be a tresure here for you, let yourlight shine threw me, find me again.

embracing the concept ,till death do we part

what does it all really mean...till death do we part. is it saved for those who are always happy 24/7 , for perfect couples. why does no-one elive in forever anymore,why has love become a selfish thing that melts away like the final snowfall of winter.what about clinging to eachother, standing up for eachother, being strong and well when the other is weak and fieble for a time. there is a time for everything,so says the word of God. a time to embrace our differences? something we often miss in even our own children, that sometimes the thing about someone that no-one quite gets, the thing that is awkward, intrusive,difficult....sometimes those are the special things that make that person strong. so who has the ability to stay, to keep thier word, be compleatly honest, embrace those things we find difficult in the people we love. none of us is strong enough on our own...this is a God thing.loving the parts we like about people is easy, but loving the parts we dont like,forgiving thier faults, staying whenthings get tough and standing up to fight for our forevers...all that muct be helped by God. so here it gos a promice to forever let God help

needing to be carried

How many times in my life has there been only that one famos set of footprints. How deep in the sand must they be uder all those burdans I lay on my Lord, Have you ever seen a movie where a man carries a little girl to safty,she is limp from the ocean or the flames or some sort of injery. but he heroicly brings her back to life. I feel like that little girl.I am cured in my fathers arms. and you know what ,he weeps for me. have you ever thought about Jesus weeping for you, for your pain.He knows he can bring you back, but he hates to see you limp and lifeless,lost from his fold.Lord its hard again,how do I ask for you to once again carry me through this storm. How do I admit that all I ever needed to do was trust you. Look for the old road it says when i flip open my bible.....how often do i look for dirrection in that book by chance. that God will ring forth a verse for me...Lord help me know which way to follow.I know when I grow week and weary Lord, I know I will never hit bottom, I know father you will catch me, I know you will lift me just like when I was a small girl,and you will bring me into the time of my life I am suppose to step into....amen

painting the sea for winter

I have been painting this week, the colors i have chosen are those of the sea, the water the sky, sealions the sunsets.I know God has more for me then what I am now,but I am a lady in waiting, and so when I can control the tears about the sea, I look at the possitive and paint a better life for me. women amounst everyone,feel the slightest twinge of deppression more,maybe it is because we are raised to dream big,with castles and glass slippers, and all. I have always dreamed big, and often my reality fell quite far from my dream. But God blesses us continualy in even the strangest of cercomstance. I once had my christmas tree grow until april,3 inches on each branch as I watered it feably in a yam can tied to an old stump. this year i was blessed with a bright yellow leafed weaping birch wile everyone else in my town had nothing but brown crinkled up frozen leafs.....why do I get these gifts of exstended life,warmth...maybe cause i ave faith that God gives us simple gifts,or maybe because he knows i will take notice and be thankfull.marshall asked me if we had to rake leafs today. and i said i didnt belive in it, God gave me a bright yellow yard when all my neighbors were brown, he provided cover for the animals and a warm blanket for the ground, he knew i would leave enough fruit for the animals and think of him in each gift i prepair for christmas.he even knew when he allowed our house to flood that I would be painting the sea, waiting for my next view of the ocean.

I have been listening to this song called get me through december by natalie macmaster there is something beautiful in waiting.

"how pail is the sky that brings forth the rain ,as the changing of seasons prepairs me again ,for the long bitter nights and the wild winters day,my heart has grown cold , my love stowed away, my heart has grown cold ,my love stowed away.Ive been to the mountain ,left my tracks in the snow,where soals have been lost and the weak and wounded go, ive taken the pain no girl should endure but faith can move mountains ,of that i am sure, faith can move mountains of that i am sure,just get me through december,a promice ill remember, get me through december,so i can start again.
no devine purpose brings fredom from sin,and peices of gilt that must come from within,ive looked for the love that will bring me to rest, feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest, feeding this hunger beating stong in my chest, just get me through december,a promice ill remember,get me through december,so i can start again.
ive been to the mountain ,left my tracks in the snow,where soals have been lost and the weak and wounded go, ive taken the pain no girl should endure,but faith can move mountains of that i am sure,faith can move mountains that i am sure,just get me through december, a promice ill remember,get me through december,so i can start again."

beautiful irish music....funny how these little blessings move me, a tree a song, a color of paint. maybe the little things work cause i know how much my Lord loves me. he sees my heart like no-one else can,not marsh,my kids, my mom,my friends. he sees what i long for, and why.he sees all the pain, all I attempt but fail at. he knows my purpose, and I know all i want is to fullfil that place in the world he made me for, so as I wait, as i listen, as I paint, as I dream of the sea...I am here to share my faith, to inspire anyone i can....I want others to see how christ helps us to paint the sea,or whatever moves you to move for His kingdom.look at the tiny thing someone else wouldnt notice, and lift up praise, for maybe women and men even were meant to dream big, for we are all royalty in the house of the Lord.

why we keep secrets

There is a question i have been wondering about lately? why do people keep secrets? it seems part of us wants to keep somethings to ourselfs, shame(what if they find out....) fear(what will they do to me if they know....) hope (I hope they will love me even if they find out....)

so why are there so many people carring around these horrible packages,bits of themselfs tied up in brown paper packages in stings. A secret traps the person in themselfs. I have had secrets, that hurt me and everyone i interacted with for years....but maybe secrets are a form of a lie, a dishonesty to ourselfs not allowing us to heal. I know people trying to heal, I know people just recently hurt, I know people hurting from so long ago still. but when will christs love open them up, push aside all fear and free them through open sharing. I have loved people that didnt love me, I have had people phisicaly ,emotionaly,and in everyway hurt me, I have been drugged and had years of flashbacks ,and times i couldnot remember, I have been forced and blackmailed to do things, I have lost children ,one the father never even knew about, I have hoped for things that I could never have, I have stolen,cheated ,lied,swore, cured, damed,manipulated, hid in myself,tryed to be crazy, tryed to die, wanted to kill, coveted so much....so many more sins,of mine, of my parents, of friends and enemys,of lovers and strangers...everyones secrets have affected me...they affect my kids, my boyfriend, my relationship with my lord jesus.

but why may i ask cant we all just be real with eachother...be the real church supporting eachother......

I urge you to open up, tell your secrets,let yourselfs heal, let others heal...let your faith in Gods healing grace heal you.....

I can garentee you are not alone,someone else needs to know how you got through what you survived,share............someone else survived what you think you cant,ask for help.....someone else is needing your honesty to change thier life.

we can all exspell demonds.....clean up our soals......be brave...stand in the armor of the lord and nothing else...be exsposed..........be free.....christ gave his life so that you may not have to hide

be open.....let his light shine inside....stop hiding.....let go

winter friendships

living from inside,many of us are not looking forward to all the snow, we already have cold feet when it comes to winter. but luckily there is facebook. i use to think facebook was a waste of time, and i would still say that about alot of the available games and aplications.but after spending a year alone in many aspects it is pleasent to read some of the encoraging things people say to one another. and i find myself not pulled in by those i thought i missed quite as much as a handfull of people i have found offering hope to everyone they encounter...high teck love....and nothing to do with dating online. i am talking about christ's love, shared everyday by these few i speak of. it had intreaged me and inspired me to encorage others instead of gossip. It just proves we can choose our own path and always make it the right and honest one even when the internet gives us so much room to lie and be crule.dont get me wrong i still have to tease my cousins a bit,as family gos for a good laugh from all, and sometimes words fall short from grace when someone else has said something out of sorts to me...but i will keep trying to share the best of the human spirit...the holy part...and i encorage you all to use this gift of fast communication for a possitive winter and holiday season to all....and as we grow closser to the holidays, keep Christ in christmas cause he is the reason for the season.bless you all

behond the desert

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behond the desert there be light,

behond my heart so full with night.

The sand i see it flows as grain,

It tastes as sweet as heart in pain.

behond i look to salty waves,

to air that wips and blows my bangs.

My soal stands there befor the sea,

and lets Christs light cover me.

he walks with me apon the sand,

and when i need he holds my hand.

out of this dry land i need to go,

surly reaping what i sow.

He leads me though and not around,

his one lost sheep to be found.

HE misses me when I'm away,

He loves me stillalthough I stray.

Oh Lamb of God you are to me,

the salty light that leads to the sea.

The sea i miss,the sea i love,

calling me home to a mansion above.

helga

A friend of mine great in her faith gave me a wonderous compliment the other day. she commented thta the more she had looked apon photos of me on face book, she saw me like the helga paintings done by andrew wyeth. she later commented on how they were a set of paintings done not about the woman herself but apon lights effect on her and how we reflect light for God. how do you all see me as a light for God, or in Gods light. or maybe it is more that i know how my lord sees me and how he looks apon the work i do for him. to him i am perfectly made, more beautiful than any other man will see me,even then my parents saw me at my birth, to my Lord i am white as snow,for jesuses blood has washed me clean.Humans are not so free to look apon people this way, we must try harder everyday to strive to be more like our Lord, to forgive and to love and see everyface as beautiful,not fat or thin or sturn or malformed,we need to stive to see how Gods light is reflected on others. what can we do for them, How can we serve? How often do we only serve those we see his light on. in the bible it says that if we feed or cloth the least of his people it is like feeding or clothing him.Can you imagine Jesus walking up to you on the street and asking for a meal and you turning him down. another friend once taught me about the homeless need for christ. Do we see the naked and lowly in shadow alone, or do we see the sliver of Christ that is wanting us to open the shades and let him fully embrace them. I have to admit i have been in the dark lately,I am somewhere i am not happy and so i have stayed bitter and cold.but my friend here has seen something in me i thought was gone, a sliver of light i should be embracing, and sharing, spredding across the word like a light apon a hill. I may just be a helga, a simple woman, not always in the full light,not a modle or an ideal friend even. but I am a beautiful daughter of christ.and need to be reserected from this tomb i have put myself in, and walk out into the full sun. thankyou my friend theresa.

Marsh was subject to my religious torture the other night by watching paul. he liked the movie, i was disapointed that it didnt show his death. but being that that part isnt actualy in the bible ,i suppose the movie was acurate enough. But it got marsh thinking and he asked how he died, i couldnt remember, so the next morning I got up and looked it up online and wrote him a note about the history. then the Lord lead me to do something strange, i opened the bible to start to answer another question. we argue alot about parenting our kids.and everytime it comes up i bring up that I parent by the bible and i cant teach him how a father should be without it. but the lord did not lead me to a verse on fathering. he lead me to probverbs 31 instead, so i could show marsh who i should be striving better to be. so i left it open and asked him to read it...i am not for sure that he did this, but this i know. Jesus wants him, and it can not be me hindering him anymore when i was originaly to lead him to christ. I know in my heart that marsh is to be like paul. that someday he will be a stronger disiple then he wouldve ever been if he wouldnt have stood against him first. marsh wasnt shown christ by his parents or steps who all say they are christians, and he was taught that christians are mean by a church group hat didnt treat him right as a child. so often we try to do things in our own power instead of bathing in Gods........"but if we are the body,why arent his arms reaching? why arent his hands healing?why arent hiswords teaching? and if we are the body,why arent his feet going ? why is his love not showing them there is a way... A traveler is far away from home, he sheds his coat and quietly sinks in the back row,the weight of their judgemental glances,tells him that his chances are better out on the road....."by-mark hall

so if we ARE the body why ARENT we being the extention of Christ that we are suppose to be. the real church...thats us...not any denomination...us his hands and feet and heart....we are to know his words and use them how he would,and lead the lost with love. i challenge all who read this to have Christs hands from now on,nails and all.

found

found by an old friend,how crazy is that. i have 3 people from high school i have been trying to track down forever,and one just found me. (excuse me for borroring your pic les) I wanted to point lesley out here because she is one of 2 people i ever knew in all my wanderings that i never had to argue with. she had a calm spirit which i hope she still posseses, and i hope i figure out how to acomplish one day. few people take life for what it is, overcome and come out laughing crazily about it...you know that kind of laughing that once they start ,it is contagious, and you get it, and it fills you up....lesley was a friend that spread irriplacable joy. she just found me, so I dont know yet, but i pray that the crulty in life has not taken such a blessed gift from her.I pray she still lives life contagiously.the only thing I found out from her site about her these days is that she has a church....how awsome.I do not think we ever discussed God back then. we were young and talked on foolish subjects like boys and horrible teachers. But destany has called and I hope The LOrd lets us talk on higher ground now.what an opertunity...what a small world. be contagious in His joy

the shell inside

today was another devistating loss. my 10 week ultrasound came up showing just a bit of something in a blank sack and yolk. how precious is life. this was the 5th miscariage i am surviving.I am lucky to have 2 currently healthy kids. although i often wonder why even to get those two here safe i suffered so much. i had 2 nessisary c-sections.I dont understand how everyone else seems to have these easy births.I suppose i am angry...have to be angry with someone...cant be angry with marsh like the last couple ties, he's been so supportive.so my anger is shooting twards the gypsy friend of my past. she didnt even have the time to let me tell her I was pregnant. and i'm not angry with God this time.... somehow I get it on that level....i feel he's all i have of hope.life has been so hard this year. and I need Jesus so much......I called,you hear me, i lost it all, and its more then i can bear, i feel so empty..your strong im wearry, i'm holding on but i feel like given in, but still your with me and evn though i'm walking through the vally of the shaddow,i will hold on tight to his hand that will comfort me.when my hope is gone and ive been wounded in the battle he is all the strenth that i will ever need he will carry me. i know i'm broken, but you alone can bend the sun of mine. your always with me.........

letting go of old friends

sometimes people change, maybe its good for them ,but maybe its bad for you.I have had a friend for years that always reminded me of a gypsy.she never understood how I used the term,thout it was about her cloths,or how she lived out of a backpack always.but it was always more about her free spirit.I was a single mom who kept too tight hold on everything,and was always looking for a way to throw caution to the wind,she was the free bird that needed her feet on the ground.we balanced. but lately that balance has been thrown out of wack,maybe we have both learned what there was to learn from eachother,or maybe things behond our control has ruined those parts of us forever.All I know is this part of my life is closing,and I am comfortable with that.apon leaving I made my friend face her worst fear.and maybe that was crule.but I needed to teach her the one thing she could learn best from me. my stenth to stand up for myself.the friendship has become a burden,my life also has changed,I have found some freedom in being captivatedly captive.I know now why the cadged bird sings. and I am ready finaly for this new chapter in my life to unfold befor me.she on the otherhand has become a reprencentation of things about myself I want to let go of. all my sin and sorrow of being single,why someone should be and remain single, the flaws of the world embracing you. I now want to be the one to exsplore new lands in my well organized backpack,with my free spirited kids. and a man I have far too much compassion for,but it suits me well.in one weekend I have tranformed by letting go into someone joyfilled again.Amen

empty easter

this easter was empty,my son was sick, the town hunt was borring, neither of my kids even wanted to finnish egg huntting here at home,but most of all there was no jesus.How can people have easter with no jesus. I normally fill up on jesus, we read the story and use the reserection eggs, wego to church and i give the kids bibles and christian books, but i couldnt afford them this year,and we dont have a church, and not all who live here belive.I am held captive by that. the empty egg is suppose to represent jesus risen,but instead easter was empty of him. I am lonely here, havent been happy since we moved....dont get me wrong the kids are awsome, me and marsh are doing well, he's even warmed up about God a bit.....but the emptyness is over our life,the cross is but a shadow in my past,it doesnt cling to me ,when I try to hold it it isnt within my grasp.this last week my friend julie visited,I could speak about christ with her, she has risen up with the Lord and overcome so much since I met her. she wasnt close like that when I met her, I tryed to inspire her, and now I see her growth,she is fruit.....but so little I have bore lately. I feel forsaken here,like the whole town shoves emptiness in me,the calm is in my house alone.Where are you Lord when I call out to you,bring me out of this empty loneliness, fill my family again, have us live on the bread of your word.......fill this shell of a creature I have become ...again...

changing waters

This is the image that frames my day on my computer right now,the serenity I seek.I have been trying to learn to glide through this storm i have been in, I have been trying too hard to keep my head above water,and have a strong need now of submerging. a new baptism for my soal who has strayed so far from my God given purpose. I have let my anger and emptyness get the best of me lately,but as I fall onto a new year,a new age I would like to smooth the gap between me and my God given work,I would like to bond my family, and change our worldly ways. I keep going back and looking at this picture of seriene contentment. you see under the see the waves of lifes storms arent so bad, it is a rising and a falling, no termoil, no crash,the amazingly adapt seal who God formed in all its wonder,cruses these eb and flow without worry . he does what God intended for him,he moves how he was desinged,he does not eat like an orca, he does not swim like a tuna, or fly like a gull. he is a seal, he is playful behond imagination,and fearful of not living his life to the fullest, he does not run from the waters his enemys live in, he accepts his fate. he is purely seal...thats it. so I am a child of God. I was given gifts to do his work, and I have been trying to be the orca and the gull. I need to be a fisher of men,but not overtake like a preditor or pick off the surfacers like a gull. I was chosen for hard cases, those on the verge of turning the wrong way....and so many times I have counted those who I have failed, I forget that if they belong to the lord and I am not doing my job he will surely replace me....he wont let them be lost. but what seal sees a fish, so jucy and ready, and swims up and rubs so close it can taste it, then gets scaired to open its mouth and do the real fishing.no seal does that, they would starve. I feel like i am starving.....I have kept my mouth closed and let even those I love most go without the truth in Jesus. Lord let me take my example from the seal,grab the fish,and live contently no matter my fate,grab the fish and bite down and dont let my enemy eat it.and then I will be joyous. the few I have taken the last bite with have been successful,they have many fish taken in themself.but in joy instead of anger I need to romance a few I love to the lord,show them how he made the seas and provides us the shelter of the kelp and the beach to take refuge on with him.His words need to be my bark as I surface,he needs to be the air bubbles from my nostrils as I submerge.

got the waiting for summer blues

waiting for summer is getting to me here in the middle of nowhere.I am sure the kids are ready to escape this house that has held us so well enclosed through the winter, we want gardens and swings and pools and club houses, bicyicles and bathing suits. what is it about summer that makes us want all these things...or is it possibly what we really want is a hundred items that will force us to to take our overweight over white vitamin d deficiant bodys out and bake them for awile in that all so forgin substance they call sunlight. ah the bliss of sun beatten redness i long to be crispy. to smel the flowers,to feel the cool waters. i long for these more then the things.there was something about the beach that was so hard to give up,that maybe i will get back again....the freedom...to get up and say "i am going out today"yes i want the chioce.give me sun,release me from my cave,so i will not be left wanting forever for the warmth

messenger in lost and found

So how does one get found again,how do my hands become his vessles again? I have been looking,searching,but also hiding in shame,even adam and eve hid thier nakedness,and God came looking for them.I hate to admit it but I have many times been the lost lamb,and I force my father to come searching for me,as I am hiding in shame.today I had a realization.I have been trying so hard to get out of this endless sin and finnaly be married,but today I realized how? its not about a ring ,or a ceromony, what about the oath to the Lord, how can marsh commit to me under God,not knowing him. I keep telling him to pray for a job,just to try it. but he won't .how do you lead a rabid animal to water who belives it is the thing that will kill them. what evil am I up against.what is so strong to compell him to run the other way...he is so thrsty.so I want to pray for work and healing for him....but I keep getting this feeling that jesus is the only one that can get to him...and that I just have to give him to God...how lost will he have to get to be found?I just want to shout" I need my lord" I need a man that will lead my family,humble himself in the truth. I need a man who will stand by me ,even in church,even with these christians he doesnt understand.how do I get through,I dont want to scaire him away from the light.I just want him to feel the warmth on his face,and see it in mine.Lord find us.dig through the lost and found,dust me off Jesus,I am still good...use these hands for healing as you promices,bring me back to propesizing lord.we are jewels in the gutters lord,help give me a wise heart,send me a mentor to lead me upward.

damaged vessle

I was listening to this new christian song just a minnit ago and I wrote the words of it in a random part of my bible..."though my heart is torn,I will praise you in this storm" and As I wrote this the next line came on and it said "i lift my eyes up to the hill-where does my help come from..." and as I am still finnishing writing the lyrics I realize I am writing them right where it actualy says that in the bible. how awsome is that....so random but so sure...God is always sure,true,just,pure,and plain awsome. today was valentines day,it was a good day...but have to admit I have been so empty lately...and I really just need to feel full and whole again. I have always had an unshakable joy till now,and I just miss my Lord...and I want to just cry out father dont leave me,as jesus did on the cross,daddy daddy why have you forsaken me. but as always my daddy is teaching me...is this hallow really my hallow, or is it that the man I love so much has become half who I am and he is still empty for the Lord. sure he will now hold my hand and the kids and accept us praying for dinner,but how do I feel full knowing he is lost. how does my daddy feel about a broken pot, how does he mend the faulse ideas someone has placed in us.I want marsh to know the truth....and I want my family to serve the lord again. psalm 121

ringing in my ears

so when has someone waited too long to get married. I feel like I wouldnt even know what to do with a proposal at this point,laugh maybe,or faint in shock. but I can say I find it so detramental to go so long without one. when marsh and I met I was at the point of selling everything and going off as a missionary.and now I have reaked of sin for more then 2 years....I should be ok with it , as the world looks at it we are married.right? but I am not of this world, I belong to my lord Jesus...and I make him smell foul with this sin and it sickens me. we are constantly being repremanded by our heavenly father. and I keep saying we are living wrong,and that is why. in the light of it all I see my Lord and savior working in marsh.everytime I think I was wrong, that he was a bad choice in men.God seems to say he has plans. I wonder could he turn and serve as paul...such an athiest,jesus hater turned awsome follower. and I have asked why God doesnt heal him of his tourrettes syndrom...then I remember paul was left with the thorn in his side...maybe for all those moments he stood against the lord...maybe to remind him. so for 2 years I have had the task of showing a man of the world who is like a child on the interior,so inocent.how religion isnt a dessolute crulety. how not all christians are mean. I have had quite a task,many times having to love as christ...and failing misserably.I regret the place I have fell,I do not feel I have done my lord justace...but he has a greater good to come out of it. so I will try to stop focausing on the ring, and start focusing on him reading the truth,so he understands the reason we need the ring....Lord You have humbled me so much latly